When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it