“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
welp
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for