When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I feel seen.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required