When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.