“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”