when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
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this came to me in a vision
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”