When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts