When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.