when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Everyone’s family
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.