When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me driving through Toronto
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
looks legit