When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?