When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
A great tip. #CakeRex
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size