When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Oh my God.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.