When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?