When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
describing stardew valley
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.