When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
#milo
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Pringles
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?