When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
You Might Also Like
Me: they didn鈥檛 have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn鈥檛 have cars
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he鈥檚 about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
i鈥檓 pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it鈥檚 what you do best
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee鈥檚 might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe鈥檚 and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn鈥檛 want to talk about work 馃槄
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We鈥檙e kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Lycra leggings didn鈥檛 get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.