When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.


I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone


me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most


ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*


Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?


he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts


Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.


She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.