@caseytduncan

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

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@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

@KrissiBex

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

@clichedout

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

@3sunzzz

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

@meladoodle

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

@3sunzzz

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

@TheRolo

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.