When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.