When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
You Might Also Like
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.