When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Every damn time
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*