When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
You Might Also Like
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
🙋♀️
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
No Google it does not
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
When he asks for feet pics
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.