When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
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I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.