When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Just why bro?!
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
58.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math