When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d

*club goes nuts*


Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside


“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten


Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.


Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.


*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?


The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.


“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code


” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”