@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

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@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@ozzyunc

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

@jwoodham

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

@mollymcnearney

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

@AlisonAgosti

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

@atDevin

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

@ilovepie84

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God