When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You Might Also Like
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?