when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
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being a writer on Twitter:
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”