When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.