When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES