When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
happy friday
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot