When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
They’re stuck in your pants?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.