When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
🤣🤣🤣
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
my dog when i have a friend over
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Incredible customer service.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
you will never know the true number of layers
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer