When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.