When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
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ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops