when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.