@pest_mode

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

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@BoomBoomBetty

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@IamJackBoot

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

@jessokfine

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

@notalogin

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@ninjadinosaur1

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

@omically

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

@DurtMcHurtt

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.