When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.