When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”
Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.