When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Come back with a warrant
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
quarantine day 3
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.