When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Mornin. * use accordingly
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen