@Jenny4ashley 1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
@carlyken When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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@Jenny4ashley 
@RS3Feed I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
@sarcasticmommy4 My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
@causticbob Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
@BradBroaddus My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
@djdarrellripley Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
@michimama75 Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
@kieransofar “are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
@Laser_Cat Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?