1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
You Might Also Like
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?