@carlyken

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

You Might Also Like

@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

@RS3Feed

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

@michimama75

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

@kieransofar

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

@Laser_Cat

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?