When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.