When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed