When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Best spot.. 😅
When ur friends with white people
Happy birthday to all the women
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years