When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May