When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks