when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla鈥檚 had self healing technology?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don鈥檛 feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they鈥檙e ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy