when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
You Might Also Like
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
who wants to go expliring
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts