When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
December birthdays be like…