When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
*limbos under the caution tape
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.