when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.


i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”


who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area


Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.


Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.


why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE


I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.


[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”


[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now