@UncleDuke1969

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

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@TheBoydP

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

@gojarbe

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

@DanMentos

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

@DrakeGatsby

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

@Writepop

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

@IamEnidColeslaw

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@Browtweaten

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now