when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost