when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
reviewed some movies recently
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y