When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
New Tinder profile.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.