when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?